Drama Queen

Friday, at my remodeling job, I was yelled at, snapped at, eye-rolled at then spoken to in a condescending tone by another worker. It was quite surprising, as this has not happened with any other human for a very, very long time. I asked myself: Did I attract it? Am I holding the ‘kick me’ sign like the little creature in “What The Bleep Do We Know?”

My ego said, “Well, I NEVER! How dare he!” I felt I had to re-set my energy / ground myself (which also hasn’t happened in ages). There were times I almost gave him my power. There were times I silently accused him of being bi-polar, scantily endowed, threatened by strong women, etc…

Finally, by Saturday afternoon, I jumped in and yelled back from a place of simple expression – no anger, judgment nor blame – and it was kinda fun, believe it or not!

The important thing is to first FEEL whatever’s your ego is feeling. 1) It allows the flow of energy to keep flowing, rather than pushing it down. 2) The feelings are a message from yourself to yourself that there’s something you may (and probably) wanna look at and clear!

I felt my feelings fully. Once I’d acknowledged and honored my ego, I was able to take my ego out of the equation and see this from another perspective:

My inner self said, “Wow! What an opportunity! I’m in a half-million dollar home with a demon! Ha! The irony! The contrast!” (Notice, I felt ALL my feelings before I even viewed it from a different angle! Otherwise, es no bueno.) Know that there’s a silver lining here somewhere, especially if it’s not a regular occurrence in your reality!!!

For years now, I have told the Universe I want to be a vessel; I volunteered / vowed to be exactly who I am for my own and others’ growth / expansion… Perhaps HE had stuff that needs to be cleared… I never intend to be a catalyst or intense or whatever. I am just being my everyday self yet perhaps my energy stirred him up (which is not to say that his behavior is ok).

At no time did I feel insulted, humiliated, angry. It was a little unpleasant at times. It was a little frustrating: we could have had so much fun (I gave myself permission to have fun regardless: I LOVE painting and I love recognizing others / expressing myself. I said to him, “That is the fastest cutting in I’ve ever seen in my whole life.” “ That shirt looks nice on you.”); we could have accomplished so much more if we’d worked together. I couldn’t fathom how he could not see that.

I DID see that he just wanted to fight, resist, argue, create conflict. Since I have no need for people to change, no need for them to be something they’re not, it didn’t bother me as much as it would have even six months ago. (Yey!)

So, when / if this happens in your beautiful life, feel everything first then view it as a curiosity, as a part of the whole, amazing, adventurous tapestry of this group we call humanity, of this thing we call ‘life’. 😀

P.S. Why is it important to keep the flow flowing and remember how things usually are in  your life? It lets your happiness set point shoot back up… Just hours after I clocked out, my handsome, funny neighbor invited me for grilled steaks and let me drive his sexy, black sportscar….

Take Back Your Power!!!

6 dec 16, 133p

Between Abraham-Hicks and Derek Rydall, I am reminded that I am my own source!

One example is in the video I made in the Dallas airport: I was rushing around, stressing out, getting ready to go to the OKC airport. I noticed it and didn’t like how I was feeling. “What do I expect to feel when I finally get there?” I asked myself. “I will give myself permission at that point to feel calm, happy, excited… the heck with that! I want to feel that now!” So I did!

I used to make these – and everything else outside of me – my sources of happiness / satisfaction:

  • If my face looked ‘good’ in the bathroom mirror
  • If I found myself in a visually pleasing neighborhood (mine isn’t)
  • If I had money in my pocket and/or in the bank
  • If I had a guy to flirt with
  • If I got a text from my friends
  • If my pants fit
  • If the people I encountered during the day – friends and strangers – were respectful, nice, positive, etc. (And when they weren’t, OH! I was a ‘crappy creator’, judgmental, affected, etc.)

It was SO EMPOWERING to see this! It was great to look inside myself for

  • happiness
  • peace
  • satisfaction

Things flowed! Project work – that I used to have to force and guilt-trip myself to do – just flowed out of me, naturally, easily and with joy.

Nothing outside you can make you happy, nothing outside you can make you sad! Yes, you can enjoy EVERY- and anything but none of those things can disrupt you anymore, because you’re no longer giving your power away. YEY!

This is not about being ‘positive’ in the face of x, y or z. It’s about being SO FILLED UP with your own happiness and joy that nothing outside affects you one way or the other. It’s about accepting whatever happens outside of you as just being what it is.

An old fable I once heard:

There was an old man who lived on the outskirts of town. One day the townspeople showed up with a young woman and said, “She says you’re the father of her child.”

“Is that so?” he asked.

“Yes!” they said. “And you have to take care of the baby.”

“Is that so? he asked. And he did.

A few months later, the townspeople showed up again. “She says she lied and you’re not the father and she wants the child back.”

Guess his response…

What I get out of this story: the man went with the flow. He was neither happy nor upset and eventually, things resolved themselves without him doing anything but being accepting (although, as a mother, I felt a pange of sadness at the thought that he would miss the little one).

Speaking of feelings: this is also not about NOT feeling your feelings! Feel them! (Even ‘negative’ emotions are not able to capsize you, if you let them be what they are…) Ask yourself what the feelings are trying to tell you! Two days ago, I was in a snit like I haven’t had in weeks (and I let myself totally be in it! I accepted that I was upset!). I finally stopped, got quiet and saw that I had given SO MUCH of my power away to outside circumstances; I had made them my source. I took it all back and felt very differently. (Notice that I accepted and felt my stuff first before looking. 🙂 )

You can look at things without making yourself wrong or drumming up feelings of yuck. For example, just now it occurred to me that lately, I have found myself with people who are negative and victim-y… they go onnnn and onnnn and onnnnn… I started to think about what that is a reflection of yet, without telling myself I was doing anything wrong, without getting depressed… because I am no longer making ‘if I attract good things to myself, I’m worthy’ my source!..

Mwah! And Merry Christmas!

Wrinkles? Nooooooo!

4 Aug 16 433p

Holy cow.

From the time we’re three weeks old, Amercian society teaches us, “If you have ONE LINE on your face, you’re toast / worthless / old / washed up.”

When we see a pic of an older woman from another culture, oh ho HOOOO! We say AND think, ‘Oooohh, so wise and beautiful…’

Yet, when we see the equivalent photo of a white woman, we cringe and shudder! …It’s bullsh**!

This is all a ploy to get us to BUY PRODUCTS!!! Think about it! If the cosmetic industry can convince you that your face is wrong, you’ll buy the makeup, the skincare cream, the anti-aging formulas!! Ding ding ding ding ding!!!!!! And it can be scary, because everyone ELSE was brainwashed to think the same thing! I was dating a younger guy (okay, dating is too generous a word… 😉 ) and he actually held my face, looked at the skin below the right corner of my mouth and asked, “How did you get that scar?” OMG!

With that said, I love to put a little mascara on at night to emphasize my eyes and/or more makeup for theatrical purposes (and beards and mustaches; see my Christmas video 😉 ).

If you are into the whole makeup thing, I SO do not judge you; party on, Waynette! Just be aware that the cosmetic companies are brilliant marketers and that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!! Through the process of growing up watching adult women put on makeup and so on, and seeing movies, magazines, tv shows full of very made-up females, we were marketed to, and bought it hook, line and sinker. We were not taught how to radiate our glorious, feminine energy (here’s how you do it: https://youtu.be/oTL_I5Ihrh4).

I cannot tell you how many men go on and on and on about how beautiful I am…when I have not ONE stitch of makeup on my face!! I KNOW what they’re seeing is my shine, my personality, my happiness; I have worked on exuding those for a very long time (think about how, when you run out of the house, not ‘dressed up’, and you’re really happy and somehow don’t care that day, yet people react to you very positively!).

Once we get on the outfit, the bling-bling, the nails, the face goop, we hide behind it and let THAT show instead of what’s inside us; i’s what we were taught to do!

Do what works with your beliefs; just take some time to think about the TRUTH of how you ‘look’. Ttys – Hil 


Photo credits:

English: An old Indian woman with a goat kid in lap.


25 February 2007


Own work




(Reusing this file)

Not published anywhere.

link to license https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/legalcode

NARA’s Pacific Alaska Region (Anchorage) (NRIAA), 654 West Third Avenue, Anchorage, AK, 99501-2145.

English: Old Indian woman of Indian tribe Ecuador

Date 17 December 2014

Source Own work

Author Peter van der Sluijs

link to license https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/legalcode

Record creator

Wellcome, Henry S. (Henry Solomon), Sir, 1853-1936


Unidentifed old Indian woman.

  • NAIL Control Number: NRIA-WME-PHOTOS-P532

This media is available in the holdings of the National Archives and Records Administration, cataloged under the ARC Identifier (National Archives Identifier) 297555.


Dog-tired and Procrastinating More Than Usual?! ….. You Are Not Alone!

This summer’s heat has kicked my butt! And the hot flashes have not helped!

I swore – on my mother and a stack of Bibles – that the very min-ute I had a steady income, I would conquer the world, also known as get 38 books finished, make all the accompanying videos, touch a zillion lives, amass a fortune…

Yet every day after work, I was an exhausted, melted mess. “Oh my God,” went my self-talk, “I am the biggest loser / failure that ever lived….!” I was so-o-o-o frustrated until I started talkin’ to my girlfriends who know about stuff and whom are my age.

“Yes, it’s the heat,” they all said. I was so relieved! I hadn’t been able to understand what my deal was, now that I had plenty to eat, could pay bills on time and had a little wiggle room (also known as bean burritos with extra cheese, annnnn-ny time I want! Whoo-hoo! [and it shows on my waistline, but hey: Eat, Pray, Love!] ).

Yesterday, during another conversation, I discussed with my Cali pal how I set my financial intention everyday and have learned to hear my inner voice more clearly to achieve my money goals … ‘Wait!’ I thought. ‘Let me do the same with my energy level!’ and went to bed. Woke up at 5:30 a.m. to the sound of rain, which meant it was much cooler and for the first time in months, I would be comfortable while driving all over the city! Yeyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!

(I have been 100 trillion percent miserable: soaked within 5 minutes of stepping out the door, then the van’s air conditioning freezes me to death because my clothes are damp and the cold air blowing sears my skin…[boo-hoo-hoo, lol] ).

Got ready with high expectations and excitement; I only needed $73 more to pay this week’s cab rent and buy a few groceries. Logged into dispatch at 6:38 a.m. and went to see if I could get loaded downtown. One hour yielded nothin’, which ordinarily wouldn’t fluster me a bit… yet today, I wasn’t just sad, I was reeeeeeal-ly sad… not to mention that the lower temperature was supposed to make this a VERY HAPPY DAY; precipitation was supposed to make it a very pro-fitable day… but it was stinkin’ to high heaven! What the heck?! Even after I ate a little food, I still couldn’t shake the icky feelings… to top it off, the people that finally boarded my cab (FIVE HOURS AFTER I STARTED TODAY, GRRRRRR!) weren’t very social no matter what I tried and snapped at me for taking the route they told me to take rather than the way I wanted to go…

I dropped them off, started questioning, and it hit me: I just had the heaviest cycle I’ve had in decades, thus, I was low on iron! It was that simple!

So, just know / remember that

  1. Nearly every woman our age is sluggish in hot, humid weather (pre-menopause doubles the effect for me!).
  2. Recall how energized you are in winter.
  3. Be patient; do what you can when you can; your empirical plans ain’t goin’ anywhere.
  4. Ask yourself what nutrients you may be missing: the Bs? iron? protein? then consume the best source of them that you can…                                                                                                           – ttys, Hil


First Official Art Show!

I am honored to be one of several artists in an art show that celebrates life!

The sign that directed us the week before; I felt so special!


This is what I wore:


The quartet playing while we browsed:


My work, “New Bloom” (at the bottom):







My work, “Source” (bottom center):




Beautiful bouquets, large and small, everywhere:

unnamed-3 unnamed-34

Life in the Fast Lane

So, one night (23 Jan ’13, Weds to be exact ;), I couldn’t sleep… then I still couldn’t sleep… not to mention I was out of tobacco (which is still harrowing)! Finally, it was almost time to get up! ‘Might as well go do temp labor,’ I thought.

Got there at 5:30, found someone with nicotine by 5:45. I was so relieved, I didn’t care what happened the rest of the day, PLUS, I was first in line, which sometimes makes a difference in where one gets sent.

I got assigned to go work on the turnpike… unique and different but really not that significant. Waterproof boots, vest, gloves and hardhat were required (rental and purchase cost me $3.50!). Went to take my drug test; passed, of course. Got to the location, had to drive over God-knows-what to park in the grass… One of the supervisers picked me up to drive me to my ‘station’ on the 8-mile project. He tailgated as the sun streamed right into his eyes while I held tightly to my seatbelt!


About 2 years ago, the same temp agency had sent me 45 minutes away to another road project. I was too honest not to confess to the supervisor that I wasn’t certified for the big machine that spews out water in preparation for the mud-smoothing vehicle, and got sent back. Well (!), the guy at the wheel on this day was the same guy from long-ago and, BOY was I glad I had told the truth back when!


In any case, I got dropped off and instructed to pry off cement scraps from the vertical part of the curb as part of the cleaning process before they lay the ‘carpet’, which goes under cement, tar and whatever other layers…


I had assumed that, being between the west- and eastbound lanes of a major turnpike, I would have to focus and tune it all out, BUT, crazily enough, it was very peaceful! I did have a touch of anxiety about the possibility of an out-of-control driver careening into the median, but managed to keep it at a manageable level (not to mention, it was one of the most beautiful days, weather-wise, you’ve ever seen! [which meant that the Port-A-Potty was only half the ordeal it is usually 😉 ] ).


The great thing about day labor work is that you get into a rhythm and because it’s repetitive, you can all but meditate… This particular site is so long that the nearest other worker was hundreds of yards away. I sang, I screamed, I swore and had the time of my life!


Shortly, I was like, OMG! how many times in one’s life does one get to work in the middle of the turnpike?! and started snapping pics. My second task was to consolidate cement scrap piles. This is before I started:


This is after:


By and by the burrito truck arrived and I promise, it was the best one I’ve had in years (kinda like when ya have hot dogs at camp, ya know?)!


Pretty soon, they ran out of stuff for me to do and transported back to my car. I already felt jubilant, what with being outside and being able to fully raise my voice (I would never in my condo [don’t get excited, it’s an efficiency, lol (and all the kingdom I need right now) ] because I don’t wanna disturb my neighbors…). Another part of mustering all my wherewithal to go do what  I usually dread is that, once I’m clocked in, all the screaming about ‘WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO PAY BILLS???!!!’ stops because I’m doing it. 😀

The guy who signed off paid me for two extra hours, which sent me further into joy… So, if you ever have a chance, you gotta do it, at least once. Lesson for me: what I feared would be another soul-annihilating day turned out to be amazing, and an opportunity for me to loudly proclaim and express melodies without causing another mental anguish or getting arrested for damaging their hearing. 😉

To Yin or Not to Yin: a Life-changing Epiphany…

…I had while lugging big pieces of construction debris several yards to an industrial dumpster.

The skylight job boss requested me for the next day’s work but alas, I got ‘sick’ for the first time in 7 years (!) and couldn’t go… when I felt a little better, the temp agency guy said he had work, which I presumed was the skylight job. It was 26 degrees, so I donned my Coveralls [see Pie in the Sky! for the photo of this man-magnetizing garment 😉 ]. By the time I found out it was a McDonald’s remodel, I had already committed and, as mentioned in the tagline, there was a huge pile of heavy, bulky stuff that needed to be dragged to the big trash bin…

One piece in particular, a 3 x 6 foot wood pallet with cardboard sides nailed to it, was ree-DIQUE-u-lously heavy. I couldn’t pry the cardboard off nor could I move it very far very fast. I got more and more frustrated and asked finally myself WHY I kept punishing myself by doing these icky, backbreaking jobs (!). (Part of it is my fear that they’re the only thing available and that’s legitimate; I have applied – see video 1 – for all kinds of stuff, all over this town and I swear, not one company for which I filled out an application called me back. Musta been my green hair and 5 nose piercings… not!)

Background: every time the temp agency man talks to one of the bosses about me, he tells them I work as hard as any man (and I smugly agree to myself in my most toughguy inside voice: “Yeah!” while conjuring up the feeling of curling my arm to make my bicep bulge), and it’s true: I work very hard and have oft felt so proud that I keep up with 20-something-year-olds on job sites. Yet, as I fought with that cardboard-sided pallet, while miserably sore-throat coughing, it hit me:

I was out in the work force being the ‘MAN’!!!!

Why? Because it’s all I knew! I had been my kids’ ‘dad’ as much as a woman could while raising them and it had become my default tendency!!! OMG! I realized right then and there that I was SICK and TIRED of being the MAN! (And oh, how it had affected the guys I attract!) I decided I don’t have to be the man anymore, in public or private, at work or at play. What a RELIEF! I was OVERJOYED to unearth my two-decades-long pattern / habit. More good news: just after making my discovery, a real male from the temp agency arrived to lift the stuff I could not. He is a great guy with a positive attitude; working with him really lifted my spirits, AND, as a bonus, he is going to change my oil for only $20! The strain and strife was worth it to realize, at my tender age (ha ha ha HA!) that I can be my feminine, womanly self. 😀

Pie in the Sky!

So, unable to face another facility (aka Port-A-Potty) in 25-degree weather, I slept in ’til 8 o’clock one morning. The temp agency guy called, asked if I wanted to work (dreadful thought but with bills to pay and nothin’ else goin’…), said I would hug him when he gave me my assignment.

Turned out to be on top of a 6-floor hotel, helping to install skylights for $10 an hour. Yeyyyy! (Yes, I hugged him!) I was dressed really warmly and knew that beneath me, whenever I desired it, were indoor plumbing and running water!


My primary tasks were to clean up the original pressure bars, into which the plexiglass panels are fitted.

I got to use a special drill to bolt each pressure bar to a 2 x 4 wood plank.


Then, I used a wide electric knife to shave old caulking off of one side and a narrow knife to remove a tar-like substance from the other side. Electric knives are the coolest things EVER! (Did I mention that I’m a tool addict?!) Bzzzzz! and off goes the old stuff!


Very little heavy lifting! Mostly precise, cosmetic work, which I enjoy so much.

There was a feeling of freedom, being up above the rest of the world.
The views were awesome.


The hotel is beautiful.



It took everything I had not to jump into the jacuzzi, coveralls and all. 🙂


What I learned:

1. There are outside jobs that pay decently.
2. They aren’t all backbreaking.
3. They aren’t all dusty and dirty.
4. One can always add a little pizzazz or glamour, no matter what (note the scarf ;).

5. Often, the co-workers are nice, fun to work with and have good senses of humor.
6. If they swear in my presence, it doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of respect; it’s just how they speak.