11 April 2021
“I hate meditation” was my mantra…
I hay-ted it! It was weird and I never knew if I was doing it right. Plus, I told myself, “I’m already tuned in! I can hear my inner voice / guides just fine; why the heck would I need meditation?!”
… until I watched an interview with Dr. Joe Dispenza; he talked about how much more quickly you can manifest (deal-sealer for *me*), how you can heal your body, etc. I opened my mind a little to trying again… then watched a broadcast by Esther / Abraham and made the decision to start. She echoed Dr. Joe and added that the best time is to meditate is soon after arising from sleep, when you’re the closest you’ll be all day to your inner knowing, aka, the most “wobble-free”.
In another of her videos, she tells us to focus on our breath and be patient;:it took *her* nine months of meditating to start channeling. Furthermore, she said what I’d never heard: “[the mind isn’t designed to be quiet; it’s designed to operate (finally, someone understands me!) but if you can quiet your mind, you’ll see results.]”
Day 1: I set my timer for 12 minutes and focused on my breath. Had to reel myself in every 2 – 3 seconds (ohhh, the weird stuff your mind comes up with at the least opportune moments) but I kept at it. Remembered the correct way to breathe (pull air in with your diaphragm). After the timer sounded, I was surprised to find that I wanted to continue a while longer. I felt soooo calm, all day! I honored my ‘ADHD’ impulses and did whatever I felt like doing – yet still got everything on my list done!… Much less anxiety than normal. At 3:20 p.m., I scored a job interview for Monday. Big breakthrough that night: I’d been pressuring / kicking myself for two decades to ‘hurry up and figure out a way to make *real* money in my field so I wouldn’t have to do any more menial, skilled trade jobs’ (you know, because *there* is always better than *here*). No wonder I always rebelled against and procrastinated doing my business lessons, working on my courses, writing my screenplay!!! (Kinda difficult to build your empire if you can’t bring yourself to do the small steps!) ‘What is my hidden, underlying, sabotaging belief???!’ I asked, a thousand times and never got an answer)… I realized that I’d never thought in terms of creating / developing for the joy and love of doing them! It was always, “monetize monetize monetize”. Maybe that works for some people but along the way, I’d lost my real whys, my playfulness and my passion in the quest to get as far away from labor work as I could – I resisted and it persisted [nothing wrong with labor; I just knew I was here for something different]… Watched a great Bollywood movie; for the first time, I didn’t feel guilty nor that I was wasting time nor escaping. Cried my butt off and enjoyed the heck out of it because of the excellent storytelling, then got a deep, full night of sleep.
Day 2: I was so inspired by the previous day’s calm and big breakthrough that I meditated again (even though while doing it, it didn’t seem to be having any effect)… Had to reel myself in at the same every-few-seconds intervals. Viewed my beautiful, active mind with compassion and stayed with it. Afterwards, things were simple and clear: in order to fund myself, I will happily do decent-paying house painting jobs during the day; at night, with joy in my heart – and no condemning pressure to profitize – will develop stuff. In that spirit, I looked and applied for work… Felt great! Calm again, all day. Did my business training for the first time in weeks… In spite of protective measures from my ego (“wouldn’t you rather stay home and relax?”), I went alone to a big arts festival in an outlying part of the metroplex. LOVED IT! By the end of my visit, I had a complete, detailed vision of the booth I will build to exhibit my art pieces (one of my income streams) at the fall festivals. Stopped by an outdoor live music venue on the way home (two years since I’ve seen a live band!). Peace all around, continued inner calm. I am 100% convinced that there is plenty of money; I am choosing to make the most of whatever reasonable opps I find, aka, the fear around – and trauma from – living in my car and being broke for most of two years is no longer holding me hostage. Yee-haw!
Day 3: It’s on! During today’s meditation, I still had to reel myself in over and over, but stuck with it. Suuuuuuper calm and content after. Cleaned / organized all over the house I live in – which is not my job but I did it for *me* and will continue until I have a chance to help them understand Kankyo Kaizen. Felt great! No internal voices to fight with (the ones that used to stop me from *living*, each and every day!!!!) … Spent three hours writing the first installment (2700 words!) of a series that I have been planning for years, then wrote this article (890 words), then somehow had the confidance and chutzpah to search for video editor / video producer positions that pay $75K or above! Whoo-hoo!